An Open Letter To My Brother
My dearest brother,
I'm not really sure where to start, because I sure have a lot to say.
First off, I should say that this last year has quite possibly been the best one of my life, because you were here for all of it. When I first decided to leave home and everything I knew that encompassed my definition of "safe", the only thing I knew for sure was that I was following my brother to the place that he now called home, and because of that, everything would be okay.
That being said, I haven't seen you for a fraction of as much as I should and could and wish I had. And I won't ever get that time back, and to be honest, I'm often haunted by how much I'll regret that. When people comment how nice it must be to have you around, or how often we must get together, I can only smile and nod and sometimes say "well, we're both pretty busy, so it doesn't always happen". As if that should be a good enough excuse.
I've found that in the last few weeks whenever I'm asked about you or think about you, I have a sudden rush of emotions and my eyes tend to cloud over and get pretty darn misty. For people that don't know me well, I don't seem like a very emotional person. I hide my feelings well and like to ignore them until they become absolutely necessary to confront. But for those people who know me well, they know that I'm actually pretty emotional and I cry at almost everything.
That being said, the thought of you lately makes me cry. A lot. There is so much I feel for you - love, admiration, inspiration, hope, excitement, protectiveness, regret, and heartache.
I love you and I love all that God has called you to be during your time here at Corban. I always knew you were friendly and well known on campus and had no issues befriending anyone and everyone, but that knowledge took on a whole new meaning when I stepped into Aagard for the first time at the beginning of this year, crowded by the move-in crew ready to help my every need, and immediately got the "Oh my gosh, you're a Messmer.", "You're the sister we've heard about!", "I've seen you in so many pictures!", or my personal favorite, "This campus is about to get a whole lot louder.". You are so loved on campus because you pour out love for everyone around you, and a love for your community and everything Corban stands for. I loved stepping onto campus already having a connection, especially a connection with someone so loved by everyone around me.
I deeply admire the work you do here on campus, all the extra activities you are involved with , your perseverance when things haven't always been easy for you (*cough* senior project *cough*), your determination to do what you love, and overall, the man you have become since you left home four years ago. I am so proud of all you have become and how much you have grown. As I learned to live in a new space and meet new people and experience new things, I was standing on the sidelines observing how God has worked in your life since you first walked on Corban's campus. You have grown, you have served, you have loved. You have surely left a mark everywhere you have stepped, one that will last a long time. That much is clear, along with so much more.
Whenever I see you or think of you or talk to you , I receive a much needed shot of inspiration. You inspire me to work harder, to find my worth in God, to cut myself slack, and to chase my dreams even when they aren't always easily attainable. You inspire me to love deeper, work harder, and encourage always. You inspire me to daily infuse my faith into everything I do, and give the glory back to God in any and every way possible. You inspire me to achieve excellence, push my limits, challenge myself, and sometimes force myself out of my safety net that I so often love to shelter myself under. You inspire me to grow, experience new things, and face new challenges as I learn to do this "college thing" and do it well.
I also feel a great deal of hope and excitement for your future. Don't get me wrong, I am tempted to feel much more selfish (more on that later), but I have so much pride for who you are and all you've done that my hope and excitement for where you're going exceeds all anxieties and heartache I have hidden in my heart. I don't want you to leave, but I know you are moving on to even better things that God has orchestrated for your life. You have so many gifts and have been so blessed with a heart that loves others so unconditionally. You are kind and patient, but also strong, honest, and truthful. God has graced you with so many gifts of communication and organization and just being a people person that it's hard to narrow down one path that would be the "right one" for you. That being said, I'm confident God will bless you wherever He leads you. Our Father does not whisper "child" and leave us to fend for ourselves. He loves you, He guides you, He constantly fights for you.
This is where most of my anxiety lies, because you know how much of a planner I am. If I had all the power (thank goodness I don't...), I would definitely be selfish & keep you right here at Corban. In my eyes, you have so much more to do here and have made such a huge impact on so many people here that it seems like you should just camp out back of Farrar and chill for a couple more months (or years...3, maybe?). But, even if God calls you away from Corban as He may just do, we rest in the truth that we serve a loving, sovereign God. We are pounded with this message week in and week out of growing up in a Christian home, attending church twice if not three times a week, and going to a Christian school from kindergarten to graduation of high school- "God is sovereign. God has a plan for you. Just rest in Him." Honestly, this message is all lovely and truthful, but when does that actually rest well with us in our daily lives? Even though I knew I felt called to Corban, I have doubted many times what I'm doing here, who I have surrounded myself with as friends, and what career I'm pursuing. And now you're graduating and looking at the next chapter of your life, as open and free as it may seem. I hate cliches. I really do. But the fact that God is holding you in the palm of His hand as His child is no cliche, it is the one imperishable truth that we can cling to and have confidence in during any storm that may try to rip us away and make our doubts bigger than His faithfulness. God is faithful, He has always been faithful, and he will always be faithful. As the birds in the sky and the flowers of the field are cared for, so are you and even more so.
I should probably end this, as it's getting much more extensive than I had originally intended. I can't fit all of this into the 30 encouragement cards I'm writing you for the 30 days you have left here before graduation, so I knew I had to write it all out somewhere else. I challenge you in these next days (how many are we down to? Around 21 or something?) to continue to love deeper, work harder, and encourage always. You only have "x" amount of days to continue the lasting legacy you're leaving here at Corban, so I challenge you to soak it all in and instead of dread the end, rejoice in this new beginning.
I am so proud of you. So insanely proud of you. (Aaaand I'm crying again.)
You will always be my big brother wherever you go, whatever you do, and wherever God leads you. You will always be my greatest inspiration, my loudest cheerleader, my most loving protector.
There is no other title that will ever make me as proud as "Nathan's little sister".
Although I won't get any of the lost time back and I can't change the past, I'll always be around for your future. And brother, it's going to be great.
Your sister,
Lauren
That being said, I haven't seen you for a fraction of as much as I should and could and wish I had. And I won't ever get that time back, and to be honest, I'm often haunted by how much I'll regret that. When people comment how nice it must be to have you around, or how often we must get together, I can only smile and nod and sometimes say "well, we're both pretty busy, so it doesn't always happen". As if that should be a good enough excuse.
I've found that in the last few weeks whenever I'm asked about you or think about you, I have a sudden rush of emotions and my eyes tend to cloud over and get pretty darn misty. For people that don't know me well, I don't seem like a very emotional person. I hide my feelings well and like to ignore them until they become absolutely necessary to confront. But for those people who know me well, they know that I'm actually pretty emotional and I cry at almost everything.
That being said, the thought of you lately makes me cry. A lot. There is so much I feel for you - love, admiration, inspiration, hope, excitement, protectiveness, regret, and heartache.
I love you and I love all that God has called you to be during your time here at Corban. I always knew you were friendly and well known on campus and had no issues befriending anyone and everyone, but that knowledge took on a whole new meaning when I stepped into Aagard for the first time at the beginning of this year, crowded by the move-in crew ready to help my every need, and immediately got the "Oh my gosh, you're a Messmer.", "You're the sister we've heard about!", "I've seen you in so many pictures!", or my personal favorite, "This campus is about to get a whole lot louder.". You are so loved on campus because you pour out love for everyone around you, and a love for your community and everything Corban stands for. I loved stepping onto campus already having a connection, especially a connection with someone so loved by everyone around me.
I deeply admire the work you do here on campus, all the extra activities you are involved with , your perseverance when things haven't always been easy for you (*cough* senior project *cough*), your determination to do what you love, and overall, the man you have become since you left home four years ago. I am so proud of all you have become and how much you have grown. As I learned to live in a new space and meet new people and experience new things, I was standing on the sidelines observing how God has worked in your life since you first walked on Corban's campus. You have grown, you have served, you have loved. You have surely left a mark everywhere you have stepped, one that will last a long time. That much is clear, along with so much more.
Whenever I see you or think of you or talk to you , I receive a much needed shot of inspiration. You inspire me to work harder, to find my worth in God, to cut myself slack, and to chase my dreams even when they aren't always easily attainable. You inspire me to love deeper, work harder, and encourage always. You inspire me to daily infuse my faith into everything I do, and give the glory back to God in any and every way possible. You inspire me to achieve excellence, push my limits, challenge myself, and sometimes force myself out of my safety net that I so often love to shelter myself under. You inspire me to grow, experience new things, and face new challenges as I learn to do this "college thing" and do it well.
I also feel a great deal of hope and excitement for your future. Don't get me wrong, I am tempted to feel much more selfish (more on that later), but I have so much pride for who you are and all you've done that my hope and excitement for where you're going exceeds all anxieties and heartache I have hidden in my heart. I don't want you to leave, but I know you are moving on to even better things that God has orchestrated for your life. You have so many gifts and have been so blessed with a heart that loves others so unconditionally. You are kind and patient, but also strong, honest, and truthful. God has graced you with so many gifts of communication and organization and just being a people person that it's hard to narrow down one path that would be the "right one" for you. That being said, I'm confident God will bless you wherever He leads you. Our Father does not whisper "child" and leave us to fend for ourselves. He loves you, He guides you, He constantly fights for you.
This is where most of my anxiety lies, because you know how much of a planner I am. If I had all the power (thank goodness I don't...), I would definitely be selfish & keep you right here at Corban. In my eyes, you have so much more to do here and have made such a huge impact on so many people here that it seems like you should just camp out back of Farrar and chill for a couple more months (or years...3, maybe?). But, even if God calls you away from Corban as He may just do, we rest in the truth that we serve a loving, sovereign God. We are pounded with this message week in and week out of growing up in a Christian home, attending church twice if not three times a week, and going to a Christian school from kindergarten to graduation of high school- "God is sovereign. God has a plan for you. Just rest in Him." Honestly, this message is all lovely and truthful, but when does that actually rest well with us in our daily lives? Even though I knew I felt called to Corban, I have doubted many times what I'm doing here, who I have surrounded myself with as friends, and what career I'm pursuing. And now you're graduating and looking at the next chapter of your life, as open and free as it may seem. I hate cliches. I really do. But the fact that God is holding you in the palm of His hand as His child is no cliche, it is the one imperishable truth that we can cling to and have confidence in during any storm that may try to rip us away and make our doubts bigger than His faithfulness. God is faithful, He has always been faithful, and he will always be faithful. As the birds in the sky and the flowers of the field are cared for, so are you and even more so.
I should probably end this, as it's getting much more extensive than I had originally intended. I can't fit all of this into the 30 encouragement cards I'm writing you for the 30 days you have left here before graduation, so I knew I had to write it all out somewhere else. I challenge you in these next days (how many are we down to? Around 21 or something?) to continue to love deeper, work harder, and encourage always. You only have "x" amount of days to continue the lasting legacy you're leaving here at Corban, so I challenge you to soak it all in and instead of dread the end, rejoice in this new beginning.
I am so proud of you. So insanely proud of you. (Aaaand I'm crying again.)
You will always be my big brother wherever you go, whatever you do, and wherever God leads you. You will always be my greatest inspiration, my loudest cheerleader, my most loving protector.
There is no other title that will ever make me as proud as "Nathan's little sister".
Although I won't get any of the lost time back and I can't change the past, I'll always be around for your future. And brother, it's going to be great.
Your sister,
Lauren
"But the fact that God is holding you in the palm of His hand as His child is no cliche, it is the one imperishable truth that we can cling to and have confidence in during any storm that may try to rip us away and make our doubts bigger than His faithfulness."
ReplyDeleteSoooooooo good. Thanks for sharing, Lauren. :)